Warning: this column contains nuts

SO this guy – let’s call him Cecil – walks into his local FonesAreUs branch and tells an assistant that the Samsung he bought just a week before isn’t working properly.

“Let’s see,” says the assistant. He then notices a big brown lump stuck to the rear. When Cecil explains that it’s cow dung he goes “ugh!” and pitches it back at the client.

The assistant surmises that it had accidentally fallen into a heap of soft and smelly dung in a pasture full of cattle. “Oh no,” says Cecil, “I deliberately smeared it with dung to protect me from radiation.”

The assistant decides he’s dealing with a lunatic, sends Cecil packing and dashes to the washroom to scrub his hands. Did this really happen? No.

But well it might have, because there is a fellow in India called Shankar Lal who is into something called ‘cowpathy’, a belief that everything that comes out of a cow has magical qualities.

In 2016, Lal held out his manure-anointed mobile phone to astonished press photographers saying:

“Cow is our mother. Its excreta and urine are nectar and have the power to save humans from any disease including cancer.”

He then invited several of his followers to show their dung-smeared mobiles to the press. The Indian Express report about Lal’s campaign to have Indians follow his example, confirmed that cockamamie notions have a special appeal for people who will unquestionably accept any foolish ideas thrown at them by those who claim special knowledge, especially when it’s derived from religious or mystical sources.

Which brings me round to another nut-job, a South African doctor named Mike Davidson, who now lives in the UK.

Davidson’s mission in life is to make gay people straight via an organisation called the Core Issues Trust (CIT). Despite the fact that all reputable studies over many decades have shown that one’s sexual orientation cannot be changed, Davidson remains committed to his ridiculous cause.

A week or so ago he loudly groused that a film just released by CIT, showing that ‘gay-to-straight’ conversion can work through the power of prayer, had been banned by the Vue cinema in London after it realised that it was homophobic garbage, pure and simple.

An outraged Davidson said that people had travelled from across the globe to London to see Voices of the Silenced: Experts, Evidences and Ideologies, and that the banning was the result of ‘bullying’ by LGBT activists.

His claim that people were chomping at the bit to see the movie suggested that thousands were interested in it, but this simply wasn’t the case.

The number was a pathetic 126, a sure indication that rational folk have far more important things to agonise over than the sexual orientation of their fellow humans. Davidson denies that the film is about curing gays.

It was merely created to secure the rights of individuals to rid themselves of ‘unwanted homosexual feelings’.

Which raises some not-so-stupid questions: would the CIT help people overcome unwanted heterosexual feelings, or cure people of being left-handed? Some are unhappy about being too short or too tall.Some want blue rather than brown eyes.

Can CIT ‘cure’ those characteristics?

Of course not, so why target gays?

Short answer: hogwash written eons ago in religious tomes by ignorant goat-herders Back in 2012, a video called Sexually Frustrated – aimed at showing how preposterous gay cure therapy really is – was posted on YouTube.

It shows Graham calling Straight Arrow Counselling and asking whether it could help make him gay.

He said he’s frustrated that gay men are getting far more sex than he is. He also wants to become attracted to “large hairy men with beards, as there are way more of them around than super-fit gymnasium gays”.

The therapist insists that this cannot be done. “You’re not homosexual. It’s not in your nature, it’s not who you are,” she said.

Millions of words have been written about “gay cure” therapies, but to my mind this amusing video conveys all that that needs to be said about quacks like Davidson. Use this link to watch it:

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