the Kilt and the Catflap
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The Kilt and the Catflap (By Tony Brown)

The Kilt and The Cat Flap

I had another go at mending the front door today then realized i had not told you all about it. A few weeks ago I took myself off attired as usual in my kilt for a knees up in Beni while stu babysat the Molly and Scruffy…. I fell in the door about stupid oclock and stu was already sleeping like a park wino. Molly was cross legged desperate for a wee so after bolting the front door i opened the back door to let her out. I then ditched my kilt and clobber in a neat pile all over the lounge floor before collapsing in a drunken stupor on the sofa…… The next I knew it was 4am and i awoke having been used as a buffet for every Mosquito in El campello, The Back door was wide open and Molly nowhere to be seen. I immediately jumped to my feet and ran starkers out into the garden calling (Molly) at the top of my voice. This in turn woke Stu who then joined the panic on the balcony dressed only in Sponge Bob Boxers and we watched in slow motion as the back door slammed firmly behind us !!! No problem says Stu, There is a spare front door key hidden in the Garden, so off we trot round the front like nudists on a midnight Hike only to realize that Ginger bollocks (Which were now swinging in the breeze) Had put the bolt on the front door !!!! At this point i did what everyone would do and for some reason looked thru the kitchen window to see where the keys were, only to see Molly and Scruffy both looking back at me. The only thing for it was to make a hole in the door put our hand thru and slide back the bolt. So the search began for tools, Now being fairies there is not alot of tools in my garden shed its full of Weed Killer, Sun Lotion and cushions so the only tool we had available was a Gas Spanner and a rusty Screwdriver. In order not to wake the neighbor we decided to bash a hole in the front door Quietly…….. This is an oak door !!!! After what seemed like an hour of tapping away we eventually made a dent in the varnish, at this rate we should be in withing about three months. Stu then found a shovel and bashed the door with it out of frustration and the shovel bounced back hitting me in the face. I said lots of swear words, stu pushed me, I slapped Stu and we were no closer to getting in just colder and getting more annoyed. After much puffing panting and groaning we thought the only way to get in was to go for it big time with the spanner and hope that the neighbor wouldn’t wake. So that’s what i did…. Like a mad man clad only in my grandpa slippers i bashed shit out of the door finally making a hole big enough for stu to reach thru and slide the bolt open. It was as we opened the door that the neighbor (also our landlord) Arrived in his dressing gown to announce that he had spare keys to the back door and could have let us in. !!! We finally got to bed about 5am and awoke to a pile of wood on the hall floor and an 8 inch hole in the front door that the cat was having great fun going in and out of. So this is the reason there is now a cat Flap in the front door which is 3 feet from the floor. !!!!

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